Coming back home

As some of you may know (those of you who’ve been following my other blog, anyways) I’ve been out of the country for a few months.  I was living in Costa Rica, the tropical land of mosquitoes and mañana.  After the past couple of years, it felt so refreshing to be in a place filled with entirely new energy.  A place where I was never concerned that I would run into my ex.  A place where I never had to be reminded of the heartbreak, run into the people who were once involved in my previous negative encounters.  Each moment, each place, each person was a new and fresh experience.  A chance to start over.  A chance to run away, to be free.

And the freedom was amazing.

But now I’m home.  I’m back to the place that I love, filled with the people I love, but also filled with some people I wish that I could forget.  My last few days in Costa Rica, I was terrified to come home.  I was so scared, so filled with doubt, fear, and uncertainty, clutching so tightly to the last fading moments of my “exotic” life abroad, that it took every ounce of strength I possessed to put myself back on the plane to come home.  But now I’m back.  And it feels right to be here.

It’s taken so many years.  So much counseling. So much yoga, yoga therapy, biking therapy, meditation, conversations with people I love, with people I can’t stand, more flashbacks than I can count, more confrontation within myself than I could possibly imagine, but I finally feel it.  That enormous conviction within myself that everything is okay.  Because, finally, after more tears, more stress, more fear, more hurt, more worry than I thought I could possibly ever endure, I’m better now.

Wow, that feels great to say!  I’m better now.  I feel like I could shout if from my front porch with all the neighbors staring and just laugh out loud from joy.

I’m better now.  And guess what that means?  That means that one day, no matter how dark things look right now, no matter how scary it may be to return home, to point your gaze backwards to that bandaged place…you can be better too.

Now that’s an encouraging thought :).


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