Some days I feel like Benjamin Button; that perhaps my life is growing in reverse. That instead of growing older as the time goes by, I grow younger, day by day. It is a pleasant thought, to think of life in this way. To think that perhaps my “old age” has been all about the demise of my life; all about the surgeries and abuse and hurt and pain. And that perhaps my younger years are still to come. That my younger years are not necessarily the days when I am more youthful, or more carefree in the traditional sense. But that growing younger in fact means growing into and experiencing a time of joy and renewal. A time that is carefree in the sense that it is no longer marred by abuse.
Hurt has taught me the wisdom of old age. All my life it has molded me, shaped me, and twisted me into a human being with a crippled self-confidence and a withered heart. But now I am growing younger. Each year, each day, as I cast off a little more of the lingering effects of abuse, it is like regaining my childhood. Renewing my soul, energizing my heart, and experiencing the joy I never felt during childhood years. The more I heal, the more I take back the natural innocence of my soul for myself. I am reversing the tarnish. I do not grow more bitter and ruined with time, instead I cast that all off, for the joys of childhood.
Yes, I think that I must be growing younger, growing in reverse. The best years of my life have not passed, they are still to come. I think this must be the plan. Or well, I hope. I can only hope.