Flashbacks

Something happens, and in a moment, I’m transported back in time.  From a place of safety to a place of terror.  My mind flashes images across my eyes of the things that happened before.  And for a moment, in that wild moment of panic, my life loses it’s hope and I lose the sense of what’s around me.

In my case, I’ve noticed that flashbacks occur most intensely and frequently during periods of transition.  Recently, I moved to a new city.  A city that a love, with friends who I love, and a safe environment away from the dangers of home and the fears of what’s happened before.  But sometimes, even knowing that I’m safe, being actively aware that I’m all right now, isn’t enough to stop my gut reactions.

For the first few weeks, I stayed with my best friend.  I’ve known her for years, and she’s always been a kind and positive influence in my life.  In my soul, I know that she would never hurt me.  But the other day, when she quickly sprinted across the room to let her cat out the door, my body froze and my mind seized up.  I’d had my back turned, doing the dishes, when out of the corner of my eye I saw the blur of a person moving quickly.

Flash.  My tiny, red-headed friend was instantly replaced in my mind by other flashes.  A flash of my brother barging towards me with his hands outstretched, ready to reach for my neck and strangle me.  Ready to scare me into submission, ready to yell at me for all the things I was supposedly doing wrong.  In that moment, I lost my cool.

As my friend ran past, I whirled around and slammed back into the sink as a scream escaped my lips and I began to shake.  ”I didn’t do anything!” I yelled, before I could stop myself.  Before I could even realize what she was doing, which was humming along innocently, running, to go play with her cat and let the cat outside.

People who’ve suffered from abuse are trauma survivors.  Which basically means that we experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that the chemical connections in our brains have been altered to constantly be on the defensive.  A playful sprint becomes a menacing threat.  A single word becomes a death sentence.  A brush of the hand becomes the touch of a devil.

Recently, I’ve been struggling with flashbacks.  Each time I have one, I have to take some deep breaths afterwards to calm myself down.  ”You are safe,” I tell myself.  ”No one is going to hurt you,” I promise.  ”I love you and you are good enough,” I explain to the wounded child within myself.  I have to go back and think about why I reacted the way that I did, and remind myself that it wasn’t real.

Sometimes I think flashbacks are the worst part of any trauma.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t shake off the past, and that it continuously affects my future.  Right now, I am searching for a way to remember the past, without reliving it.  Meditation helps.  Yoga helps.  Good friends help.  But ultimately, the constant reminder, every day, that I’m safe now is what gets me through.

How animals can help

In my last blog, I wrote about the issue of touch.  About how uncomfortable it used to make me feel and how I mostly needed to find the right people to hug.  This blog, I want to share with you some more techniques that have helped me find touching and being touched easier.

First of all, establishing boundaries is very important.  Decide where you are and art NOT comfortable being touched, and stick to those limits.  It all goes back to establishing your boundaries, that I wrote about in an earlier blog.

Establishing and sticking to boundaries is one way to become more comfortable with the issue of touch.  But there’s also another way; a cuddly, fluffy, bundle of fun way.

That’s right, I’m talking about animals.  There are times when I don’t know what I would do without my parents’ black lab/german shepherd mix.  His name is Blue.  He is an enormous dog, weighing almost 100 lbs, but is the sweetest, biggest baby who is even scared of thunderstorms!  When I had my knee surgery, Blue never left my side.  When I felt lonely, Blue was always willing to cuddle.

And did you know that petting an animal can lower stress?  And help manage cholesterol?  And help Autistic people get in touch with their senses?  Owning a pet can be a wonderful, life-altering thing.  Check out Web MD’s slideshow called “27 ways Pets can Improve Your Health”  for more details.

For me, I’ve found that petting a dog, and having to play with a dog and care for one, has helped open up my heart.  It has made me more vulnerable and more open.  And simply through the act of petting, I have become more comfortable with the act of touch.

So if you are feeling lonely, feeling repressed, depressed, unhealthy, or unable to open up…get a pet!  Rescue one from the local animal shelter, and save two lives! (yours AND the pet’s I mean).

Or, if you can’t have/aren’t ready to own a pet, there are also wonderful Equine Therapy Programs available.  If you are tired of traditional talk therapy, or feel that nothing else is working, or even just want to try something new, Equine Therapy can be a wonderful outlet for healing.  My sister, who has experienced abuse and trauma as well, has worked with horses for years now, and admits that it is the only way she has been able to open up, connect with people, and find peace with herself.

Animals are willing and able to help.  All it takes is a little love, a little exercise, and a little food, and they will give us lots of love in return.

Touch

Getting comfortable with the idea of touch can be very hard after experiencing abuse.  During abuse, touch is the last thing you want to feel, because more often than not, touch means hurt.  Touch means bruises and soreness, uncomfortable feelings and shame.

Being touched used to be my worst nightmare.  I did not like hugs, I did not like shaking people’s hands.  I did not like partner work in ballet for a while, because I cringed the entire time people touched me.  Holding hands was another horror.  All these physical affections that were normal and welcome for most people made me want to run into a corner and hide so that I could cry.

Especially this one spot on my back.  Right up near my shoulder blades, where a line of knots tightened like vines around my spine. In fact, my entire back was in knots.  Knots and pains and spasms.  The effect of years of slouching into the ground trying to disappear.  Whenever someone would touch this spot on my back, I would cringe and collapse.  Sometimes tears would well up in my eyes.  Sometimes, on rarer occasions, I would simply turn around and slap away the person’s hand, out of instinctual reaction.  My friends used to tease me about it.  They thought it was just some funny nervous habit.

But touch is something intensely personal.  If I had lived a life without abuse, perhaps I wouldn’t have all the problems of handling touch that I have.  But abuse has made touch personal, and touch is now associated with trust.  If I trust someone, they are allowed to touch me.  If I do not know someone, touch is still something that makes me very uncomfortable.

As I have undergone counseling, healing, and started practicing yoga and surrounding myself with people who are good and kind, being touched has gotten much easier.  Acquiring comfort with touch takes practice, much like anything else.

Personally, I love hugs.  Well, nowadays I love hugs.  They make you feel better, and I’ve even heard it said (though I’m not sure how scientific this statement is) that 12 hugs a day can make you happier.  The trick was, I just had to find the right people to hug.

How to be alone

So the focus the past few months for me has been the issue of loneliness.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve felt so alone, with the holidays that passed.  As I’m currently living out in the country, recovering from knee surgery and job searching, loneliness has been a real issue for me.  I miss seeing friends, meeting new people, and yes, having a dating life.  I miss being able to ride my bike, do yoga, and travel, all the things that I love to do that my knee is not yet healed enough for.  The truth is, sometimes I feel lonely.

I write in an earlier blog about ways to help loneliness.  I found the video below when I was stumbling one day, and thought it was very cute.  It continues the theme of coping with loneliness, and establishes an interesting plan to become more comfortable with being alone.  It is one girl’s take on loneliness, and I wanted to share it with you.  I hope you enjoy!

You can watch the video here:  http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/6dL8rq/www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs/

One with Nature; fight depression with sunshine

Maybe you’ve heard of this idea.  Pocahontas and Fern Gully and recently, the over-rated combination of the two, Avatar, have lauded the qualities of a simplistic, outdoorsy lifestyle.  While movies may be dramatizations, and animated movies are most certainly fictional accounts, there is some truth to the idea that when humans spend more time in nature, they are happier.  For those of you who don’t believe me, check out this page on the National Wildlife Federation Website, that underlines some of the benefits of outdoor play.  Specifically, the article speaks towards the benefits for children, but is there really that much of a difference fundamentally between a child’s needs and an adult’s?

Now, I’m not talking about going out into the deep wilderness by yourself with only a pocket knife type of nature experience.  But just spending a little time outside each day can help improve mood, fitness, and Vitamin D.  Take a walk in the park nearby, go for a bike ride, lay in the sun to check your email or read a book.  There’s science behind the idea that sunshine really does make you happier!

While obviously, a significant amount of dedication and work is required to heal from traumatic experiences, this is a simple way to give yourself an extra little mood boost.  If you are anything like me, when I experienced depression, all I wanted to do was curl up in a dark, cool space and hide beneath my covers.  But that just makes things worse!

So here’s a simple solution; go outside.  That’s it.  Exercising outside would be ideal, but even just sitting out there can help.  Here’s the challenge, for those of you who wish to accept it; start spending 10 minutes every day outside for the next 2 weeks, and see if your mood improves any.  If you have any experiences that you’d like to share about this topic, please post them in the comments section below this article.  I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Antidote for Loneliness

If you’re anything like me, my desire for a relationship increases around the holidays.  Christmas, New Years, then Valentine’s day shortly afterwards can seem like a brutal time for the single person.  Everyone else seems to be cuddling up with their love, celebrating and keeping warm from the cold, while the single person has to rely on sweaters and a heating unit for our warmth.  Sometimes, it can get incredibly lonely.

So how to keep from getting desperate?  From falling back into a bad relationship, or finding a new bad one simply as a cure for loneliness?  That’s one of the hardest parts about recovering from an abusive relationship and an abusive past; waiting for the right person for the future.

Here’s an interesting article I found that talks about ways to stay happy when it’s just you for a while, so that you can wait for the right guy/girl, and not just the available one: http://advice.eharmony.com/about-you/in-between-relationships-10-antidotes-loneliness?cid=2091&aid=0810113

After all, as George Michael sings in his song “Faith” :  ”I need someone to hold me but I’ll wait for something more.”

 

Graphic media: Testing myself

For a long time, books/movies affected me deeply. Films where cheating or violence occurred disturbed me more deeply than they did most people, I found. There were times when I would start crying during sexually violent scenes, throw down the book or shut off the movie, and refuse to watch/read anymore. Now, I generally pride myself on being open-minded, but I couldn’t do it. Each time, it was like having an instant reaction, an instinctual freak-out, where I physically and mentally could NOT handle watching/reading that scene for another second.

I always wondered why I would do this, when others seemed so calm comparatively. Granted, I am aware that violence/cheating/abuse in various media can and does often affect people, but I seemed to react particularly strongly. I realize now that these art forms were stirring up the buried emotions towards my own past and various traumas.

That is one of the biggest changes I have noticed during my healing process. Through talk therapy, writing, movement, art, etc., I have learned that, as simple as it may seem, that if something is happening to someone else/in a movie, it does NOT mean that it is happening or is GOING TO HAPPEN to me. Before, I internalized everything bad that happened to anyone else, and took it to mean that I was doomed as well. I took it personally, deeply, and I hurt intensely.

I’m not saying we should be numb, or give up on empathy, I think empathy is a very important aspect of what makes us all human. However, what I had to learn was, just because bad things happen, doesn’t mean that bad things will ALWAYS happen. Or that they will always happen to ME. Since I feel more healed, reading and watching media that deals with these subjects hasn’t affected me as much.

Whenever I feel those panic emotions start to rise if something in the art/movie/book triggers a flashback, I set the media aside for a moment. I take a deep breath and I tell myself that everything is all right. That it is just fiction, that it is not happening to me. That I am in control of my life now.  That there’s no need to plan for that type of scenario, nor to expect it as a given. This technique has helped me immensely, and can be a very interesting exercise in aiding the healing process.

For me, I tested myself with the book “Choke” by Chuck Palahniuk. In the story, the protagonist is a sex addict, and the literary scenes can be pretty graphic at times. It was an interesting exercise for me to read this book and use it as a tool to retrain my brain/instincts. Every time a graphic sex scene would occur, I would simply take a deep breath and tell myself that everything was okay. That this was just a particularly dramatic scene. That I would never have to do anything like that simply because I would never want to. I reminded myself that no one is ever allowed to make me feel like I have to anymore. It was an exercise in overcoming violent, physical reactions, and in deciding on/defining my personal boundaries. I could go through this book, and say to myself, No, I am NOT comfortable doing that, and if the opportunity ever arose, I would tell whoever that I am not, and will not do that activity.

The point is, this exercise has helped me retrain my brain; and retrain my overreactions to fiction to a normal, healthy reaction. Yes, it’s okay to react to something strongly, but now I no longer have to throw a book away and cry because of some sentences I cannot change. I now know that just because something graphic/upsetting happens in fiction, it doesn’t mean it will automatically happen to me as well.